It's really interesting, because I have my thoughts spread all over the place, ha. I have some on here, some in a few different journals and then I have some in InDesign, which of course makes sense, because I am a designer and I can actually format the type and make it look pretty there, ha.
Ah. Why did I decide to write in here, tonight? I suppose it's just something different. I'm trying to distract myself and trying to catch up with things and trying to resurrect this and packing and moving and feeling overwhelmed. Here's something about me and being overwhelmed: when I feel like this .. I absolutely feel like part of me shuts down. Perhaps this is a normal reaction.
So, to catch you up: I've been living in an apartment that is truly wonderful for about 9 months. Buuut my roommate is not a great fit for me. She's a unique personality with nuances that I can't quite appreciate. Unfortunate for those close to me, they've heard much about this ( :/ working on it.. promises) but fortunately, for YOU, I will say that I can only blame myself for staying so long and this is my penchant: to try to work through things, to see things from another's view (or try to .. for long as I can ..from the point of view, I THINK they're coming from) .. to justify things, to see what it is that I'm possibly doing wrong on my end that creates a certain visceral response from me that maybe DOESN'T have to do with the other. I try to understand whether or not I'm projecting things onto people and I KNOW I do this, despite my efforts to ..not do this. I also feel like I'm pretty self-aware though. Now, depending on who you are, you may or may not agree. Sometimes it takes me a little while to be objective about it, but I try really hard to understand why I do the things I do.
ANYWAY. I am moving this Memorial Day weekend. I AM FEELING OVERWHELMED. I am rearing to be away from this place but I'm just not stoked about it, either. and I think it's because, ultimately, I'm just not happy here.
I've been thinking and weighing and analyzing and praying about my feelings. They are this: I am not happy here in NYC and this has been something swirling through my thoughts and coursing through my veins and causing palpitations within my heart for sometime, now. I still will never forget a significant moment I had, that absolutely would have meant nothing for anyone else, where I was on the F train and it was overcrowded and I was looking across the platform at this man with a beanie and I can't recall whether or not he was running to make the train or briskly walking away from it, but while we pulled out of the station I remember thinking to myself, "Why am I here? Why am I here in NYC? I don't want to be an old lady in this city."
I'm dating a really great guy who lives in San Francisco and I always like visiting him more over there when we get together. We have such fun in NYC together, but there's something about that place that I find comforting and I don't know if it's him or California or the mere thought of being closer to home or the notion of a new city that I've not explored before, but it feels good to me. It feels better to me than this place does. and it's hard for me, because I've been praying for the last year .. before I met him, that I wanted to go but .. I've been biding my time, because I want to make sure it's right.
Today after church –which was amazing, by the way– I came home and looked at all the things to pack, and decided to call my friends and family because I didn't want to do it. I talked to my bestie for awhile and then my mom, multiple times, and finally hung up. I'd recorded some of the worship music on my phone and was playing it back to listen to it and out of nowhere, I just ached. My heart ached. I began weeping. Over a song. I immediately dropped to my knees. I hadn't prayed that much this week, because I didn't have a lot of alone time. Though I DO want to maximize my time with my handsome, I also realize that both he and I need moments of space during visits. He needs space for music and I need space for prayer. So, when I dropped to my knees, weeping, I just told God that I loved Him. and I kid you not, in the 20 mins I just sat there, talking to God and crying somewhat uncontrollably, I felt like time ceased to matter. I laughed while I cried because God is outside time and space, as we well know, and even though I had a ton of shit to do and be anxious about .. dealing with timing (oh, the irony), nothing felt more important in those moments but to actually step outside time constraints and realize that often they're self-imposed. and that .. just so many things aren't worth the anxiety. So many things will end up being fine, we just need to STOP. Ahh, I can't quite explain it well enough here, but.
The other thing I thought about while praying was that .. a long time ago, when I moved to NYC, I moved here simply because I wanted to say I made it. also because I didn't know what else to do .. I didn't know where to go and I was incredibly unhappy in Chico. Time has passed and I am now incredibly unhappy in this place. Am I fleeing from something? Am I not settling for some deeper-seated reason? Or is time to move on? Could it be so simple? I'm glad I live here. I'm glad TO HAVE lived here, but it is not home. Maybe God is telling me it IS time to move on .. because I am so unhappy in my heart.
You know, we look for signs. We look for these "sure signs" from God that will indicate where and what we should do, and while I DO believe in these sometimes .. I think God tells us things in subtle ways, too. I think following our hearts is part of pursuing God. He gives us thoughts and dreams and emotions about certain topics and theories and passions in life. We should follow them. He may be calling us somewhere?
And maybe it's that simple.
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