Announcing: Life

The San Francisco Cutie

2011-12-18T14:41:00.000-08:00

Met an awesome guy online and then met him in person this last week! He's amazing and I hope he sticks around for a while :) :) We hung out in SF and here are some photos from that trip. *4th photo down, courtesy (unbeknownst) of said Gentleman

Gavin Rossdale Said Hello TO ME!

2011-10-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

I saw BUSH live in concert! It was fantastic! I got to be inside for the soundcheck, too! It was the most amazing thing: the only woman in the room, standing in the vast expanse of space that was the theatre, with about 20 audio, video and misc. crew behind me. Gavin even said hi to me after the show, during the meet and greet. I was eating a Nature Sweet granola bar at the time, and slobbering all over myself right about when it happened. Still so great. :)

Apple Picking!

2011-10-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

Does anyone even read this anymore? ha, gosh. I haven't updated it in SO long. Here's the brief: today I went apple-picking with church and it was absolutely fantastic. It was definitely what I needed: to escape the City, even if only for a couple hours. It makes me realize how much NYC is removed from every other place, in that, you can be soo caught up living there; it really is a world unto its own. Sometimes I forget that there are others places OUTSIDE of this Place. The longer I stay, the easier to forget, it becomes.

Other than that –and this is a very short synopsis of what is going on with me lately– things are going well for me. I started going to this Foundations class at church, basically relearning foundational things about Christianity and faith, in general. This is proving to be very important and refreshing for me, at the moment; sometimes I feel like my faith and this Story that we're living, becomes trite to me. It's sort of like .. I have all this head knowledge (well, what I've retained) of God, but such a disconnect to any sort of personal relation to the Gospel. So, going back to the essentials and fundamental reasons why Christ being crucified is important and meaningful to me, personally, has been eye and heart-opening. This also comes at a good time for me, because I feel like I'm finally ready to go there, again, and this has taken a number of years, even though I've never stopped wanting it.

Okay, so if I have to explain the case for the Gospel, I would tell someone that: people are created for God and to be in constant, direct relation with Him. A long time ago, at some point, we "sinned." (Sin distorts out desires. We deeply long to be recognized and affirmed by other people. This is supposed to be fulfilled by God.) Sinning is the act of being out-of-joint with God; finding ways to meet our deepest desires without God; to break with the Source of life; to go against God's word. Before sin, humans weren't created to die. After sin entered, we experienced two types of death; bodily death and spiritual death. ..God ended up choosing a people that He would reconcile Himself through and those were the Israelites. Back in the day, the way to atone for sin was with blood: animals were utilized for this purpose, but an animal's blood is only good for so much .. it was temporary atonement. Along those same lines, when priests wanted to enter holy temples, they needed to be cleansed in order to approach God, so there were sacrifices and rituals that needed to be followed in order for this to be done. Move along forward in time and Jesus steps into the picture as Messiah. He tells the the world Caesar isn't God. He tells the Jews that He is the final atonement because He is perfectly good and free from sin. Essentially, Jesus takes a spiritual death unto Himself, for those who would believe Him to be Messiah, so that they will only experience a physical death (a spiritual death would mean separation from God, hell?) –and be reunited with God one day. He reconciles us to Himself; He's our bridge, if you will. Because He's God incarnate, and He paid the ultimate price, there's no more need for sacrifices and priests no longer have to cleanse themselves to approach God. It's through Jesus that we can approach God, directly, and it's through Jesus' death that God now dwells within us .. because our temples are now not buildings but our living bodies (that's why we're called to treat our bodies as holy).

I'm possibly not extremely great at detailing and explaining this all, here, now, but I'm sure I'll become better and better at this. I'm just excited to relearn things and to be able to put what I've learned together, in an understandable way, even just for me.

So, that's that. Aside from churchy things, work is going well. I'm really coming to a point where I've begun my countdown, I think. I want to put a time limit on this, soon and then move out and up, somewhere else.

AND FINALLY. I'm going home in December to visit for a couple weeks and I'm stoked! I'll get to see friends and family and also: I have a very hot date with a musician, that I'm already nervous for. What to wear! What if I sound like an ass! I fear I'm jinxing myself. I'm so excited though; I hope I'll get to see an observatory, some museums, eat some food, visit some vistas, have a cocktail or two, hand-hold and have good conversation. Not necessarily in that order. This will be the first date all YEAR that I'll have actually wanted to go on. It's not often I meet someone I'm interested in, who's on the same page as I am, that's attractive and intelligent and actually nice. So, we'll see how it goes. If nothing else, I'll enjoy getting the chance to meet someone new and share a moment in time with another individual, my time uncompromised by other obligations. Should be kind of awesome. :)

Today.

2011-09-01T04:10:00.001-07:00

This morning, outside my window. :)

Dan and Luke

2011-08-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

It is waaay past my bedtime, but I want to quickly jot down the scripture I've read lately (randomly) that I've been praying about this week .. both of these are things that I have been wanting to work on and have been making concerted efforts to aim at being present in the moment, and remember God during the day and remember these things I've read to implement them into everyday life.

(I apologize for words that may make little sense. It IS 12:46 in the am.)

First: Daniel 6:10-12. Okay, this is less about the context of Daniel and more about the actions he carries out, faithfully during the day. Daniel prayed three times, at regular intervals and I read this and remembered that I used to make more time for God, because I was on a more regular schedule. I had my time in the morning and my time and night and I never rushed, and when I read this passage, I remembered that those were important times during the day and I needed and wanted with God and I must make time again, set aside, to converse with He.

Second: Luke 17 1-6. "If your brother sins, rebuke him and if he repents forgive him. If he sins against you seven times a day and seven times, repents, forgive him." I read this and thought affectionately about God. How good is he and how spoiled, bratty and bitchy I am toward all the niceties he's graced, me. If he can be so good, I should forgive others around me. I don't want to hold anything against anyone and at the moment, I don't believe I do. But my heart does and harbors things sometimes that I am not proud of. I don't want to jump on people for their wrongdoing. I want to love people. I don't want everythng to be about me. I don't want THIS to be about me, anymore.

I'd write more but my eyelids are heavy. More another time. :) Nighty to you.

Dancing! Not Fighting!

2011-08-05T05:10:00.000-07:00

Ha, I seriously love Dave Grohl.

Off Book, Typography | PBS Arts

2011-08-04T16:11:00.001-07:00

For all your type-nerds out there.

Pumped Up Kicks

2011-08-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

Jack Threads

2011-07-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

Found this awesome site called Jack Threads. It's exclusively for men, but I still love looking at the neat sunglasses, plaid prints, sweet kicks and vintage sunglasses. Still looking for a women's version of a site like this! Jack Threads

Rooftop!

2011-07-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

My rooftop in Brooklyn! That building in the far-off distance in the video, near the end, is the Empire State Building. I live a couple miles away from Manhattan. :) The song that's playing is, Brave Man's Death, by J Roddy Walston and The Business.

Mother Teresa & God's Absence

2011-07-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

The Colbert Report

I didn't know that Mother Teresa felt an absence of God's presence for nearly 50 years of her life. I love her all the more. This was an admission stated in a series of letters to the Church, I believe, "There is so much contradiction within my soul.." Above, a lighthearted interview with Father James Martin on the Colbert Report.

Music. Tonight.

2011-06-29T19:53:00.001-07:00

Kirshner Wildlife Foundation

2011-06-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

Got to visit the Kirshner Foundation when I was back in California; it's a wildlife sanctuary for animals that were previously going to be put down due to illness. The animals at the reserve were found on highways and brought in from zoos from various regions nearby. Really great place! Had a fantastic, educated time. :)

Barry R. Kirshner Wildlife Foundation

Eff off NYC! I'm in CA! What! :D

2011-06-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

Today. California. Obligatory self-portrait. Love my new tee.

Brooklyn Bridge, Madison Square Park on a Foggy Night

2011-05-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn Bridge and Echo, in Madison Square Park. Click here.

:)

2011-05-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO MAKE.

When opportunity roars in, you can run away or grab life by the tail.

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that's destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulated experiences.

Enjoy the journey.

Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day AND the last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. blaze a new trail.

Criticize by creating.

Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. And remember: if God is for us, who can be against us?

-Robert Batterson, Relevant Magazine, Issue 24 pg. 71

Right before I interned at Relevant, I copied this out of one of the magazines and have carried it with me to Florida. I've kept it with me since. I now have this tiny piece of note paper with me all the time and I looove these words. They're so inspirational. Today, I watched Oprah (only a few shows left, what!) and the episode featured Mattie Stepanek. He passed away years ago at the age of 13 but he was quite a wonderful human being on this planet for his short 13 years. Those clips of him made me cry. And I loved the show today because Oprah is all about empowering people to take ownership over their lives and it was a perfect moment for me. ANYWAY. Mattie was an author and poet and his second-to-last sentence on his deathbed was, "Choose to inhale; do not breathe simply to exist." What 13 year-old utters these words? So profound.

Beautiful. I am made for something. I've felt so detached and far away and distanced. But God, I love. And these moments of epiphany are terribly important in life.

The MET

2011-05-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

Last week my design team got a chance to take a field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I'd been before, but it was soo awesome (again). One of the neatest things we saw on exhibit was Alexander McQueen's, Savage Beauty, a collection of his pieces that were featured on runways as part of his performance art (because really, that's what it was, and continues to be). It was very dark and kind of creepy, hauntingly beautiful at certain points. Anyway, if you're in NYC you should check it out before it's gone. Also saw other amazing stuff! A glimpse is above.

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T16:34:00.000-07:00

Wishing Mom a Happy Mother's Day!

Ellie Goulding | Lights

2011-05-07T21:28:00.001-07:00

Great tune! Kinda reminiscent of late 70s/80s, no? Kind of? Stevie Nicks-esque?

Foos

2011-05-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

My old ringtone. I love Dave Grohl.

I Got Clocked .. In The Face.

2011-05-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

Oh man. My face hurts a little right now. It's my left side, and bridge of my nose. I've never been a person to get into fisticuffs, with another, and that notion didn't really even cross my mind this morning, even immediately after the incident. Had she stuck around, I think I would have honestly asked, "WTF?" while remaining stationary. Instead, I just sat there, dumbfounded, looking at other MTA riders in disbelief and embarrassment. But why was I embarrassed? I didn't do anything wrong. And the female part of me, the part that I loathe sometimes, the part of me that is affected by hormones that causes me to CRY when I get very heated, instead of just ..I don't know.. remaining heated without crying, released its floodgates and tears just began running, horrifically and salty-warm down my coral-rouged cheeks.

I know you're wondering what happened. So here goes. I was awaiting the C train in Crown Heights, specifically at the Kingston/Throop subway station, with many other people. Seemingly, this morning was like any normal Monday morning, where I stand around with other commuters and head off to work. Not true. This Monday morning the 9:06a train ~~did not come. Strike that. It~~ came early, causing me (and like 9 other people) to miss it (people emerged from the stairwell at 9:02a, to my dismay, as I descended lightning-speed), and be subjected to becoming passengers on the next Manhattan-bound local train.

I took my seat at a bench on the platform to wait and a couple of people sat down nearby, a little way away. I pulled out a book. I began reading said book, quietly, to myself. Then a woman took the spot next to me. This would prove to the woman I should have taken cues from, cues that would have told me, decidedly, that she was a little "off" but the truth is, how was I really to know? She only sat next to me for like, ten minutes and the other truth is .. a lot of people in NYC are kind of crazy but 99% of them are harmless. There's also a part of me that still regards the crazy as ..(gasp!) human beings, with feelings.

So, I just stayed sitting next to this lady. I noticed that she was looking at me, out of my peripherals. It was just very awkward, so after a little while, like, a minute of her staring, I glanced at her, up from my book and made eye contact. She kept her gaze locked, full eye contact for like four seconds, which feeeeeels like an eternity in an awkward moment with a stranger. I didn't know if I needed to keep looking to prove something, or what. She had this look, too, on her face, like a maniacal smirk which was a little disconcerting so I smiled back, a tight smile, just because I didn't know what else to do. I just thought if I ignored her she wouldn't bother me, that she would look away, that she would leave me alone. I went back to reading and, again, out of my peripherals I kind of see her turn her head away, and then back toward me. About forty seconds later, she clocked me in the face. Unprovoked, my nose and eyes and forehead all bore the brunt of her fucked behavior. I sat, stunned and people turned around, stunned. Then she fled the scene. I mean, holy shit, it's not like I could defend myself anyway –I have no idea how to fight– but c'mon.

She was wearing reddish-purple sweatpants. She had unkept, short hair. I'd say she was late 20s or early 30s. She was not commuting to work; I know that much. She looked disheveled and she was super fidgety before the attack. She was rubbing her legs in these circular motions and spitting near where people were walking. People asked me why I didn't report it, but the truth is, like hell the police will do anything. Like hell they can. I mean, plenty of witnesses but she fled the scene. There's videotape but how will they find this person? Let's not forget that the police here don't like working AT ALL. Remember my post about seeing a guy get stabbed in the forehead??

Now I'm thinking that I can't possibly catch the train again at the same time, tomorrow. I feel embarrassed a little, that this happened, even though I shouldn't rationally feel that way, at all. I don't want to be confronted with her again, though I know that if I saw her again, I'd pepper-spray her if she took a step near me. The whole thing was unsettling and really made me sad. The punch didn't actually hurt that much. When I told my coworkers what happened I began crying because I'm honestly more upset that someone like this encounters people on a daily basis and acts out this way. I'm upset because this person probably needs to be on medication and isn't being treated properly, and God knows you can't talk sanity into someone who's mentally unstable. I'm mostly sad because I feel like it was a racist attack and it makes me realize that people still commit hate-crimes. It's very upsetting, for those reasons, to be honest.

Blades of (Green) Glory

2011-05-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

I made a video(!) and set up an account on Vimeo. It's kind of artsy, and I still know not what I'm doing, so nooo judgies. :) Favorite parts: 00:22-00:24, and later on, where the bird dives.

Screamy Saturday

2011-04-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

A little screamy music for your Saturday night? Yes, please. Here's Haste the Day .. a current nod to my taste in the past (Doesn't the first song sound like Deftones?! Thanks ReyMysterioX & Hock3Mon3y for the videos!). P.S. I'm going to Storm King Sculpture Park toms, yay!

Look At Me Now, Cover

2011-04-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

Pretty gooooood.

Ahh!

2011-04-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, a senior, I had to take a class on law and government and we studied a bunch of Supreme Court cases. I was enthralled by the decisions that courts made. I liked learning about these cases because they really seemed thorough. One case I remember studying and presenting was the case of Cruzan vs. Missouri.

I used to take my government book home to study out of interest, and got a shitload of ..well, shit, from my friends for it, ha. I thought about studying political science and government and law in college, but ended becoming a graphic designer. I still find myself, though, being fascinated with court cases and legal findings, and whatnot. Lately, I've been coming across all these cases of innocent people being imprisoned for things, wrongfully.

I found another one today, that I've heard about repeatedly, in the past. It's the case of The West Memphis Three. It's a case where three teenagers were convicted for the murders of three 8-year old boys. They're completely innocent, as none of the evidence ties them to the scene. As of recently, new DNA testing is available and I think lawyers are trying to appeal these guys' cases; additionally, the victims' parents agree that they don't even believe these guys are guilty. AND one woman admitted to lying, completely, about the accused boys, citing that she was interested in the reward money and was afraid she would get in trouble for a petty crime, so she agreed with police to take the spotlight off her own illegal activities.

I'm fraught.

Hear Johnny Depp vie for the WM3, here.

Legal vocabulary term to know: The Bruton Rule (see Bruton vs U.S.)

One of the rights an accused person has under the Sixth Amendment is the right to confront and cross-examine the government's witnesses against him. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in Bruton v. U.S. that this right is violated if a confessing defendant's statement is used against a non-confessing defendant at their joint trial (and assuming the confessor does not take the stand to be cross-examined by his codefendant).

The Adventure.

2011-04-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace,
only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all.

Free Ryan Ferguson! Fax Letters ASAP!

2011-04-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

I've always kind of been intrigued with stories, investigations and crime reports of shows like 60 Minutes, Dateline and 48 Hours. A long time ago, yeeeeeears ago, I watched a report on 48 Hours about a guy, around my age, who was falsely accused of murder by a friend ("friend" whose name is Chuck) who implicated himself and the other guy, Ryan Ferguson, to the scene of a crime through a dream he had two years after the murder took place. There was no evidence tying either one to the scene. This episode first aired in 2006 and recently, an updated report aired this year. The new investigative report showed two "witnesses" (Chuck, and another guy .. I think a janitor?) recanting their statements about tying Ryan Ferguson to the scene of the crime.

Today, I spent some time doing a little research about this whole ordeal. I've heard of people being falsely imprisoned before, who've literally spent like, 20 years in jail for a crime they didn't commit, and my heart was just so torn. How tragic.

I found online today that Ryan Ferguson's family and lawyer are trying (of course, to have him, first and foremost, exonerated,) to appeal in court to have him granted another trial, one where new evidence in his favor can be introduced, where people who didn't speak up before would now have that opportunity, where a jury can hear how both witnesses from before admit to their perjury that put Ryan away in the first place.

I wrote two letters today. One to the Attorney General and the other to the Governor, both of Missouri to appeal to them to look again at the facts of this case and set Ryan free, or at least give him a new trial. This is really important, because his lawyer, Kathleen Zellner, is sitting down with the judge assigned to his case this week, APRIL 26, 2011. Please take time to email or fax a letter like mine asap!

See the episode, The Lost Night, here.
www.justiceforryanferguson.com
Facebook Group, here.

For more information, including a sample letter, which mine (below) is adapted from, visit this page.
Or please, just copy my letter and fax it today, or on Monday.

Dear (Governor Nixon or Attorney General Chris Koster),

I am a concerned citizen writing to you to ask you to take steps in your position as (Governor or Attorney General) to help free Ryan Ferguson. He was convicted in 2005 for the murder of Kent Heitholt even though none of the evidence ties him to the crime scene–literally, NONE of it. And recently, the only two witnesses who testified against him have recanted their statements, admitting to having committed perjury.

Mr. (Nixon, or Koster), please look at the facts of this case and set Ryan free, or at least grant him the right to have a new trial. It's a travesty to think that he was convicted for a crime he had no involvement in .. that he was convicted when none of the evidence pointed to him, and the amount of reasonable doubt that he wasn't involved was as great as it was.

Sir, I don't live in Missouri. I don't personally know the Fergusons or the Heitholt Family, but after hearing the facts of this case, and researching and reading about it, as a concerned citizen, my heart has been wrenched with compassion and sympathy for all involved, but especially Ryan, who's been falsely imprisoned. I can do nothing less than be part of this surge, this public outcry against injustice. Mr. (Nixon or Koster), I implore you to look at the facts of this case and reverse the horrible crime that has been committed against an innocent man, Ryan Ferguson. While I still want to respect, and be sensitive to the Heitholt Family's loss, and have the utmost compassion for that family, they are not the only family that has been pained throughout this horrific, dreadful and tragic ordeal.

I certainly appreciate you reading this, Mr. (Nixon or Koster).
Thank you very much,

Mailing address:
Missouri Attorney General Chris Koster, Supreme Court Bldg.207 W. High Street
PO Box 899
Jefferson City, Missouri 65102
Fax #: 573-751-0774

email: ag@ago.mo.gov / attorney.general@ago.mo.gov
Mailing address:
Missouri Governor Jay Nixon
201 W. Capitol Ave.
Jefferson City, Missouri 65101-1556
Fax # : 573-751-8501
Online comment form: http://governor.mo.gov/contact/

Color of Change | Troy Davis

2011-04-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

You could possibly save an innocent man's life. If he isn't innocent, you can STILL save his life. A quick tweet I posted earlier:

No physical evidence. 7 of 9 witnesses changed their story. Stop#TroyDavis' execution: http://bit.ly/dKe19X @colorofchange

A link with more information about Troy Davis.

Please fill out this form (click the link from the tweet above) and pass along to others.

OkCupid. Shoot Your Arrows! Please Miss Agamemnon7*

2011-04-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't know how sad this is to you or not, but. I'm now officially on OkCupid, this free online dating site. A long time ago, when I was like, 21 or something, I had a blind date with someone I met online and the guy had no personality in real life. He couldn't laugh about anything, was not good-looking in person, and made me pay for the date. It was awful. One of the reasons I went on this date was to make an atheist boy I adored jealous (see THIS post for an update) and it was also the first and last time I ever had an online dating profile ... until three days ago.

I decided to try again.

My mother texted me, months ago, with these choice words at a ridiculous hour on a chilly, wintery Sunday morning (btw, my phone is dead right now, to you, who may have texted and I never answered. I swear my love for you is unfaltering and I wouldn't ever ignore you, not in 1,000 years unless something like this had occurred):

Mom: Christi.
Mom: Christi. Ar e u awake?
Mom: Christi. I said HELLO.

Me: ma it's 3:33a – I'm slepeien

Mom: Christi. It's time for you to focus on a husband and babies. I want grandchildren.

Phone gets shut off.

While I'm not trying online dating to appease my mother or pacify her in some way, I did actually do a lot of thinking, and I have thought this before: that I'm quite busy and maybe this is just a good way to meet someone? I'm ready for a relationship, though I want to rush not, anything that comes my way. I'm going to give it a try and see what pops up. Who knows. Maybe I'll meet my future husband. ...Ooooor just a guy who calls himself Agamemnon7* and says the the SIX things he could never do without are his, "Brains, Eyes, Mouth, My Arms, Legs, Penis and Anus."

Sigh.

*name hidden to protect author

ps: i have no idea why there are all these gaps on the page.

The Mountain.

2011-04-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

This is absolutely beautiful! The Mountain by Terje Sorgjerd

Good Morning

2011-04-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

What a glorious salutation to find in your inbox. And I'll take it. Thanks! :)

Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band

2011-04-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

This is just a great song. :) ..I really like the live version, but I couldn't embed it. See it here.

Kitteh

2011-04-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

Delilah loves me. ❤

A Quick Jot

2011-04-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'm jotting quickly here, my thoughts.

On groceries. I just got back from the store. When I put my groceries on the conveyer belt, I realized that I hadn't really picked much out. Here's what I bought for $36:
1 small yellow onion
8 pounds of California navel oranges
half gallon of milk
bottle of ketchup
loaf of bread
bunch of bananas
carton of eggs
pound of beef
pound of thin chicken cutlet
..so, essentially the only meal I can eat this week is french toast. with a garnish of citrus.

On growing up. I watched Eat, Pray, Love this weekend (good!) on Netflix and then accidently caught the ending on Starz when I turned on the TV for the cat, today, before I left for the grocery. So, naturally I sat down and watched the ending again and thought to myself, I need an older woman mentor. I've never been this age, before. I don't know how to do it. Maybe she could offer helpful hints and tips. Or not.

On my Grandpappy. I'm going to call him earlier, rather than later, today. I love my Gramps.

On my move. I've decided to stay in my current apartment for a couple more months. This is going to be good for me and I would be sad to leave my roommate, and now friend, of 2 years, when the time finally comes. For my remaining stay, I'm going to enjoy as much of his company, as well as Delilah's, as I can.

On Random. :) Alabama

2011-04-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

While other people are out this Friday night, I am home, and I am loving it, ha. Typically, by the end of the work-week, I'm shot. Today I looked forwarding to coming home, watching a flick, eating a huge amount of Oreos, and catching up on emails, blogs, lists (for things I need to get done), and planning the rest of my life.

I listened to a sermon today –actually. a collection of them in a series on Ecclesiastes– and I am so inspired! Basically, Ecclesiastes is about life and how things are so temporary and how sometimes things can seem overwhelming and fleeting, but really this book in the Bible is an exhortation to live life fully. Apparently, the word "meaningless" that is used throughout, is a misinterpretation .. or, at least, not the best interpretation of the Greek meaning for that particular term that is used, which is actually a word that is closer to "vapor" in our English equivalent. There was a statistic thrown out that, on average, a person's life consists of roughly 25,000 days on Earth. I've had a conversation many times with people where I've told them that if I only live eighty years on this planet, that's only eighty summers, eighty winters, eighty times to see the colors of autumn .. so when I heard these sermons I identified with the urgency with which these pastors encourage people to see life as a gift, to do as much as they can, to enjoy, to appreciate, to know people, to love, to explore, to LIVE.

Now, I have been depressed in life. And I know what it feels like to wonder what the point is. To want to be done with things and just fly away. Those were very dark times for me, but I'm thankful they didn't last long. The truth is that I really do reflect on life, a lot, and feel deeply that is a gift and when I start thinking about the number of days I have, counting down one at a time, and really not even having an honest sense of how many I have left, it makes me feel like I do have a purpose: that I can't waste any time in telling people I love them, in appreciating my family, while I can, and doing the things that I love, that make me happy, giving people a break in life, not being shitty and dramatic and ruthless, and awful in my heart, because it's a waste of these precious days I have, etc., etc.

Anyway, I want to include a link to the Mars Hill Bible Church podcast, HERE. Check it out. Up top: James Franco (I know. I'm too old to be a teenybopper, but let's just enjoy this handsome mug, shall we now? Living is about appreciating what's around us ;)) and a few pictures from Philadelphia that I failed to post like I said I would. I have video, too! I just need to cut it and edit the pieces, together. Oo side note: I'm working on creating a film. I know that's super lofty sounding, especially since I know nothing about film buuut I have a really neat idea, I think! I mean, for a while I've wanted to write a screenplay (well, in college I did) but I haven't the first idea how to really do that. So, I just thought I would take my little camera out, and guerilla-style record footage for this concept I have. Not sure when I will have something to show (maybe in a decade). ..I'm really making this entry long now, but I went to this design meet-up called Creative Mornings, yesterday, and the speaker was Ji Lee and he was talking about how creatives (and everyone, why not!) should have multiple personal projects going on at once. It made me think about all these ideas floating around in my head and how I haven't actually started working on any of them. That's unfortunate! Soooo, I bring that up because it made me think again about how I wanted to record some ideas for a film or something and it all kind of comes back around. Anyway, anyway, I'm rambling now and straying, so I will end this for now.

2011-03-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

I have to get up very early tomorrow because I'm going to a meeting for creatives in DUMBO, before work. There's this monthly event called Creative Mornings and the local chapter is run by the same gal who has the Swiss Miss blog. What's her name?

Anyway, I do not want to sleep. I know I've been somewhat obsessed with love and relationships lately, but such is life (bear with me) and here is what I've realized. For the past however long I feel like I've been chasing after these things that I think I want. Reflecting, once again, on the guy who recently got married (I know, it's terribly sad) I remembered why I liked him and what qualities about him were attractive to me.

I've been in situations in life where I have been dirt poor, and I've been in other places in life where I've done quite well, financially. I know what it's like to not have anything, no insurance, living off of peanut butter and potatoes, and having no one to help me out ..and when I am blessed with even small things, like being able to purchase bread that costs $5, that doesn't contain high fructose corn syrup, or ability to possess $6.73 in change, floating freely, in my pocket, to be used at my leisure for anything I choose, I'm grateful. I REMEMBER when I literally couldn't scrape up enough money to wash and dry a full load of laundry and I kid you not, EVERY TIME I have loose change, I say thank you.

My point in bringing this up is that this person that I liked, I liked because he came from a similar place that I did. His parents weren't perfect, he had beef with God, he didn't even like God, but he was honest about it. He was messed up –admittedly– but honestly, who isn't? And he was this person that wasn't embarrassed of people, and he treated everyone the same, and it's very pathetic, isn't it, that I'm bringing this up, publicly? But I think I would like to meet someone who has been in all of these places that I have. I think the older I get, the more I realize all the preconceptions I have of people are wrong. And all these ideas of what love actually is .. I am so off. And this entire post is possibly very embarrassing, but remembering the attributes about this type of person I once knew, blows every other personality type out of the water. I think it has helped me to refocus and remember who I am and stuff. It's very strange, this entire sad episode of mine, but it has also been very beneficial. Don't judge me. Or you know what, go ahead.

POOF!

2011-03-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

Soooo depressed, today!

Just found out an old crush of mine got married this weekend. While I'm completely happy for him (truth), I'm also a little sad! I haven't spoken with him in yyyyeeeeeaars, BUT I've been trying to reconnect somehow with him for quite a while now. I mean, just here and there. Like, I'd inquired of a few friends if they knew what he was up to and then recently I just found out I have an almost-removed acquaintance from forever ago that he and I are mutual friends with.

So I was finally able to find out from this person that my old crush, Paul, just got married. It seems like EVERYONE is getting married or is engaged lately, and it makes me feel like –in a way– people are just moving on with their lives right and left and I'm totally stuck behind, hah. I mean, I've done some awesome things as well, and I'm very appreciative of those things .. but I would gladly, GLADLY, give up this city life, give up the chance to move to Europe if I could meet my love within the next year and happily settle down with him. I mean, I still have my dreams that I will accomplish, and I'll make new ones as well with him .. I guess I just feel like these career things that I'm doing –in a sense, and only in one sense– are occupying my time for now. Before you get the wrong idea .. I'll still have my career after I'm married, and damnit, I'll still do what I want when I want, AFTER I'm married .. I just mean to say that, without a significant other, I'm occupying this time with my career pursuits and diving full-force into them, but I would gladly reconfigure the way I spend my current days and where I'll end up living to be with someone I love and I don't think a lot of people would disagree with me. Don't get me wrong: I will not leave everything at the drop of a hat for a man. I just think that when you meet that person you realize that everything else isn't as important, that it's sort of vaporous (can I use this word here to convey what I mean), compared to your relationship and what all you want from it and all that jazz.

Wow. Really not the time to begin a sentence with a fragment or finally start a new paragraph. Sigh. Ahh geez. While I'm venting .. the other day my mother texted me with, "Christi. I think it's time you focus on a husband and babies." As if I could just poof a man I love into existence or something. As if I could just create out of thin air a guy who has a like-minded worldview. As if I could just poof a man from nothing that is respectful, handsome, quite liberal and yet still old-fashioned in some ways. As if I could just choose for him to be an artist, and a traveler and a lover of nature and someone who regularly grooms (guys, please? ..I'm just saying).

And now I will continue to shove Oreo cookies into my mouth, mostly because I'm hungry and have no food and am now settled quite comfily (actually a word!) into a pillow on my bed .. but also because Oreos kill the pain. ha, I'm kidding .. kiiiiiiiiiiinda. Sigh.

Above: a random undies spotting on the streets of Philadelphia. Completely inappropriate. Also kind of amazing. I'll post more Philly pics, tomorrow.

How Flirting Works | Stuff You Should Know

2011-03-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

You should listen to this. I recently stumbled upon this neat audio podcast on iTunes. I literally have been listening to these random topics all day long at work, and I love it. Today's topic: Flirting. Check it out: How Flirting Works.

Love at the Laundromat? NO.

2011-03-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

I met a guy a LONG time ago, doing laundry and he seemed nice and he asked for my number and I gave it to him. Did I realllllly want to? Probably not. Was I physically attracted to him in some sense? Hmm. Naaah. Did I expect myself to ever respond to his text or agree to go out on a date with him? No. Why, then, did I agree in the first place to give him my number? Because I couldn't say no, in a nice way.

This happens ALL the TIME. Well, not really, but it happens often enough that I will agree to meet up, hang out, get coffee, grab a bite, eat some dinner with someone I wouldn't really want to be more than (if it gets to that point) friends with. I have not gone out on a date –a REAL date– with someone that I was truly interested in, in quite a while. What's the deal? And how am I supposed to get this guy, the one aforementioned, to catch a hint when blatantly ignoring his attempts to make conversation via text, aren't enough? He just won't stop contacting and as flattered as I was in the beginning (I mean, I guess I was flattered?), I couldn't help but be a little annoyed past and presently.

I should only be annoyed at myself. I shouldn't agree to go out with someone I'm not interested in because if that guy ends up showing interest, it feels pesky to me and that's not his fault (initially). I do realize that there's a lot of pressure on a man to ask a woman out, that it isn't easy, etc., etc. And that may be one of the reasons I agree to hang out with someone.. but I bet no guy wants to know that's a reason a lady agrees to a date with him.

Sigh.

I'm not getting younger, and I want love and babies! How will I have babies one day if I can't meet a guy I'm interested in? This is very difficult.

Above: Anne Taintor

Whitley, More Than Life

2011-03-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

I want this more than life.
To touch something real,
Will help your wounds heal,
Like the sun on your face,
The dreams of starry nights.
And we are homeward bound,
And I, I want this more than life.

Random Conversations.

2011-03-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

I met this guy while waiting for the bus around 2:34a on Saturday morning. There weren't a lot of people around, so I was trying to keep a good lookout, even though the street I was waiting for the bus is fairly safe. There are usually cops patrolling the neighborhood and cars driving by, but still, I try to stay aware.

Anyway, this guy maybe my age or couple years younger approaches, shaking coins in his hand –fare for the bus, I guessed, and I ended up being right– and asks me if he can sit down aside me, on the bench. There was more than enough room but he felt compelled to ask, "because sometimes people get nervous when I walk right up to them, ya know? No offense." I'm not sure why he thought I would be offended by that comment, but I happily obliged and we quickly began a conversation about rare coins (which I know nothing about) and Greek mythology (which I can't remember a ton about).

As it turns out, the guy's name is Penelope, named by his mother after someone in his family. He had the most sparkly golden grill I've ever seen in real life. He wore baggy pants and a striped hoodie, Nike kicks, and a skewed hat. He told me all about this passion that he has for studying Greek mythology, humanities and the arts but since he's from the streets, he was pressured to drop out of college, and that is exactly what he did. It was a really interesting conversation and it ended up continuing when we boarded the bus. He just said that what he really wanted was to learn more about what he knew, to go more in depth with it, but he didn't know what the point would be in pursuing an education. My response was to tell him that he should do what he loves in life! That his passion could inspire other people, other kids, that he could teach, if he wanted. He asked me how someone influences someone else in life and I replied, "Well, haven't you ever met someone that really loved something you knew nothing about? And then, the more you got to know them and what it was that they loved, the more you began to appreciate that very thing?" Then Penelope got very excited and mentioned that Tupac taught him how to love poetry. Tupac, in Penelope's words, "was a great poet, but he was also really distressed, you know? Because he knew it was too late for him." And then he told me I needed to read about Tupac, when I told him the only song I knew off the top of my head in that instant was, California Love. I refused to sing the chorus when he asked. hah

All in all, we only talked for about 20 mins but it was my favorite conversation all week; it was so unexpected to meet this urban street kid, who secretly loved Greek mythology and poetry and didn't know how he could influence people in life, but really, honestly wanted to, somehow. It was an inspiring and wonderful conversation. I didn't actually learn his name until the end of our conversation. He missed his stop, and quickly introduced himself before he hopped off the bus.

I love NYC for these random moments with strangers that are completely unexpected but also completely refreshing. It still kind of feels like a dream that I live here, sometimes.. the people I meet, the things I've seen.. where I've been. I would never have had this conversation with this specific person if I lived in a different neighborhood. I love people that are different than me. The whole time I kept thinking –and people were looking at us strangely on the bus, because who would think that two people so different from one another were involved in this type of conversation at quarter-to-three in the morning– that we're all really the same, y'know? We all kind of want the same things in life and influence, knowledge, and love is common ground for most of us. It was just really great. Maybe I can't quite articulate what I mean, but Penelope was a great guy. It was truly my pleasure to have made his acquaintance that night. :)

Tonight's song.

2011-03-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

This is kind of a fun song. Owl City, Fireflies

Riverside Drive

2011-03-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

I had to go to this camera store on the upper west side yesterday afternoon and decided afterward to walk over the Riverside Drive. It's so strange, well, not really, hah, what I mean, as I overuse the comma, is that Riverside Drive is in a very affluent neighborhood and everything is really old but really beautiful. It's completely safe and I can only imagine what living there must be like. As I was walking down 88th Street, I glanced over at windows of this residential home –they all looked like brownstones, but I don't know if these, in particular, actually are– to see a LARGE dog lying on a tiled floor. From what I could see, everything was modern (why wouldn't it be? ha) and luxurious .. and when I say luxurious, I mean, comfortable .. sort of like the things I'm accustomed to having in any other city besides NYC: carpet, an island in the kitchen, washer/dryer, etc., etc. It just seemed so out of place to me because you do not commonly see these types of modern conveniences in the city. It totally makes sense though, if anyone is to have them anywhere in the city, why wouldn't it be here.

Anyway, the walk was great and then I got to see this neat monument that has been erected along the pathway to commemorate soldiers and sailors who fought for the Union in the Civil War. Coincidentally, just checked out a book on the Civil War so this kind of goes along with my reading material, lately.

Also on a side note: as if turns out, the men living in the upper west side AREN'T into snobby, rich girls. Completely shocked, but pleasantly surprised, was I. ;)

New York Times | Earthquake in Japan

2011-03-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

Found this interesting, brief, interactive map and article on the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, via The New York Times.

Condoms and Stabbings?? What?!

2011-03-06T16:19:00.000-08:00

I have two things to say in this post. The first is that last night I went out with a friend to this little dive bar in Greenpoint, a neighborhood in Brooklyn. I loved it! There was a pool table and cheap drinks. The place is kind of small, but (from what I hear) never overcrowded and there, we met some semi-cute guys wanting to play pool with us.

Here's the thing: I looove that most men know how to play pool. Is this some sort of inherent quality that y'all are born with? Ha, it seems like literally every guy I know, even if claims he doesn't know how to play is like .. prettttty good. There's something really sexy about a guy who knows how to control his stick. Hah, I know that sounds super sexual but men: it's true. I think most women I know find it attractive when a guy plays pool because the breaking of the balls in the beginning is where some power is exerted, right? I don't have that much power behind my shooting when I play, so it's enthralling to watch a man break, but also, the control behind each shot is also something I just find completely sexy. The men who play who know how to properly shoot and gently control each gliding shot .. oh man, I die.

Anyway, so we're playing pool with these guys and we were having fun. There were three guys, one who talked too much, who clearly had to be center-attention, but who also was the one that sort of introduced everyone and brought us together. I thought he was attractive, actually, but as the night progressed the more he talked, the more I became disinterested. Too much personality to take. In the beginning he was awesome and intriguing and by the end he was just loud .. I mean, still a nice guy. I realized that his tactic was not working to his benefit but to his friends: the others that were quiet the entire time were the ones I ended up WANTING to talk to because it seemed to me like they weren't trying so hard, they weren't desperate for attention, they were secure enough with themselves. So, we ended up talking to them and liking it. As it turns out, one of them had a Siberian girlfriend and when she saw me speaking to her man she bounded forwarded and made the exchange VERY awkward. Subsequently, I ended up talking to her for more than I would have liked, the entire time comforting and, essentially, trying to make her feel secure enough to know I wasn't trying to invade or takeover. I mean, it's me. C'mon. It was all very annoying.

As we were leaving, we grabbed some free condoms located near the door. NOW. Believe what you want, but the reason I grabbed a couple is because the design on them was amazing! Hah, I loved it! They're just a great design piece. I even looked up the product designer and his name is Yves Bhar. He's a Swiss designer based out of San Francisco who runs fuseproject, an industrial design and branding firm.

THE MESSED UP THING I have to blog about in this post is that today I saw a guy get stabbed in the head. It was insane! I know, I know. Sudden change in topic :( but I thought these two guys were friends, sort of shoving one another around, playfully, when one of them hits ("hits") the other and the other goes down to the ground. The guy who did the assaulting quickened pace after the second dude went down and as I approached (I was walking toward them, and they toward me) I noticed a pool of blood and a gash in the guy's forehead. I panicked. I grabbed my phone and said, "Sir. Do you need me to call someone? I'm going to call someone." He lay on the ground for about 30 seconds and then, disorientated, got up and hobbled away. He turned the corner and it was raining very hard so all the blood washed off the sidewalk. I didn't end up calling because it all happened so fast. He just left. I didn't know what to do. It was crazy. :/ :(

Addendum: I did report this, several hours later. I actually walked down to the police station and the receptionist openly mocked me for wanting to report a crime: Gentlemen. Our neighbahood's achanging! Someone wants to REPORT A CRIIIIIME. Some Italian-Guido cop rolled his eyes when she asked him t assist me and strutted over. He told me I was at the wrong precinct, that I couldn't make a report at the station and that, These things happen all the time. Now, if you really want to report this, you can call the other precinct but the guy who got jacked was probably drunk and it was probably over drugs. It all just depends how involved in this you want to be, but call before you walk into the other precinct so you don't waste anyone's time.

Wow. Needless to say I didn't report. They did all they could to get me NOT to make a report and it worked. The truth is that I didn't see either of their faces ..I just felt like I needed to say SOMETHING to someone in authority. The cops here are such jerks though. Really.

Work!

2011-03-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

Yay! I got my video to upload. Additionally, I've included some photos. This is really a great piece of art I'm privileged to see daily. The last picture is something I did by hand for a project that hasn't launched yet. Reference this post for more information.

Today: Saturday.

2011-03-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not taking down yesterday's post, because there's something very real, very human about it, I think. We all go through shitty moments in life. I also want to say I'm feeling much better today, hah, and that may have to do with the fact that I ate per near a whole bag of mini Reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast (I only have an entire bag because I baked with them and there was an ample amount leftover). That is all. Oo but guess what else I found: ziplining in upstate New York!! Hooooly shit, I want to go! :D

p.s. Blogger isn't letting me upload ANY images. Sorry that the page is so text-heavy, but check out this link: Ziplining at Hunter Mountain

Also, one more thing. This place is giving away free peanut butter today and tomorrow if you visit their "museum." I've actually been to the Peanut Butter Co. before and their product is expensive, but mostly okay. If you happen to be in the West Village, it's a tasty, novel treat to stop in and have an Elvis, or something similarly named that includes fried bananas and large dollops of peanut butter on bread. Yay, New York City!

A Sad Night.

2011-03-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

I'm literally coming to a point where I have no idea why I try so hard with people. I used to be the type of person that I would try to do things for people and be for them, but if they didn't want it, then I let it go. I'm not sure at what point things shifted and I became desperate about wanting people in my life. There was no risk before letting people go; in fact, most of the time I preferred to be alone. It's different now. I don't know if it's just my age or if something else in my psyche that has changed.

I have an old friend I'm trying to do a favor for. I think he thinks I'm crazy and frenzied or something over the matter. The truth is: I'm not. The other truth is that I really want the best for him, so when he asked me for this favor, I tried my hardest to do what I could. The final truth is that I don't think he understands how NYC works, how people are, how busy it is.

Whatever. I tried my best. And I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to be friends with people who literally want nothing to do with me. I don't want to ALWAYS be the one to reach out to other people. And I'm sad. I'm sad because today as I was emerging from the subway this group of young urban kids crowded the stairwell and made fun of me. I've not been made fun of since like, high school or something, and as I walked up the stairs, one young very lovely boy said, "…Can I ask you a question, Miss? You know you're ugly, right?" These young girls burst out with very loud laughter and commented on the originality and truth behind his revelatory remark. And I kept walking after having looked him in the eye, slowly up the stairs and through the throngs of urban kids, wanting to remark on how ashamed he should feel and how ashamed his parents would be that he said something like that. I didn't though. It didn't even phase me at first, but then as I kept going, up out of the stairwell, and down the dirty, grimy street toward my sad room awaiting me at home I thought to myself, "God. I am. I am so ugly. It's true." And then I cried. And I thought this was all very interesting because I was affected by what a 12 year-old said to me, that he probably was just doing it for a reaction, that he wanted to "impress" his friends, that he will probably either grow up one day to realize he was a shitty kid, having changed in nature, or grow up and become a shitty adult who continues to hurt peoples' feelings for fun. But the thing is, that there is so much that is welled up within me that I FEEL ugly about, this was the thing that put it over the top. A 12 year-old broke my spirit but it's only because I am already broken. I'm also well enough aware that beauty is subjective, blah blah and that it doesn't matter what he said or what people thought, but the truth is, it kind of does. It sort of determines whether or not you'll find a spouse, WANT someone to reproduce with you. All that bullshit. I was thinking when I got home that Jesus wasn't good-looking, so at least I'm not alone. But it's so true. I mean, this makes sense: people –by people I mean, men– want to sleep with me, but they don't want to BE with me. They want something to fuck but they don't actually find ME attractive, not in that way. It's because I'm not pretty. This isn't me being self-disparaging. It's just being honest. I also thought to myself that I suppose this is Natural Selection working it's magic.

I'm very negative tonight. I'm not fishing for compliments. I wouldn't believe them, anyway. It's just one of those nights where I feel kind of shitty, and I hate wondering if people will get back to me, if they care as much as I do, blah blah blah. God I want to go home.

Sneak Peek.

2011-02-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

If you were ever wondering what it looked like inside the FN offices, here's a sneak peek. Actually, it's not working. I can't upload anything! :( There's a really cool mural painted on brick that I just love. I don't know who the artist is, but tomorrow I'm going to walk up to it and see if it's been signed somewhere, which undoubtedly, it has. I also had an awesome video but for some reason, Blogger won't upload. :( Here's a link to my FB. I wonder if you can see the movie here?

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150107825152568&comments

Ramblings and Wants of Kissing.

2011-02-25T18:05:00.000-08:00

I have a lot to say. How much of it do you want to hear? Ha. Welll. I'm looking for a new apartment, as I've grown out of my current one. I've also been working A TON, lately. We had to write performance goals today, and while initially I perceived this process to be similar to the bullshit you write in college for an art paper (vague goals, meanings behind them, lots of fluff about process and execution), by the end I was really excited about it. That's because my art director explained to me that yes, this is something we're required to do, but it's a great way for us as individuals to put into perspective where we are with the company, where we want be, what it is that we can extract from this concerning our future career apart from the company, and the goals we want to achieve to get there while we work for the current company we work for.

Writing the performance goals gets me excited about my future and actually puts onto paper attainable aspirations I can fulfill this year, professionally, in this environment and along my design path, in general. I didn't really expect to be encouraged by it. I was completely busy with tasks that needed to be completed ASAP but writing these goals was great reprieve.

Writing the performance goals also reminded me how much I actually enjoy writing. I kind of miss words, ha. I mean .. well, what I mean is that I used to feel fairly confident in my writing skills and I truly enjoyed putting words to paper. Being engaged in the left part of my brain is a place I haven't been too much, since college. Does that sound bad? Do I even know what I'm talking about? How long have I not been in college? I just miss writing and I think I was pretty good at it before and I want to do it more now.

I have so many things I want to do. Do you want to know them? I want to learn either French or Italian or both. I want to make a pinhole camera. I want to go to the library and check out books by Darwin (gasp!), Maslow, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and John Muir. I want to read a book by Chelsea Handler. I want to watch more of Anthony Bourdain's, "No Reservations." I want to read up on astronomy and be diligent in learning one new word every day. I want to go back to the gym, regularly, and I want to connect with people in a real way. I want to see every day as this great gift where I'm aware of the fact that I'm breathing without thinking about it, where I'm appreciative of people that are different than I am, not jealous or envious in any way, but completely appreciative. I want to remember God again (seriously, how long have I wanted this); I want to go to a new restaurant once or twice a month; I want to laugh unabashedly about something incredibly unfunny; I want to be love; I want to kiss and snuggle and make handmade paper. I want to explore this city and the surrounding states. I want to make friends. And I want to kiss. And be in love. And snuggle. I also want to get a fish and name it Astro.

Paper Heart, Food, Inc.

2011-02-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

I've been watching a lot of Netflix lately. Just saw Paper Heart. It was cute! I'm now watching Food, Inc. It's a compelling and very interesting documentary. Watch it.

Home Movie.

2011-02-19T11:35:00.000-08:00

This feels like a sad home movie, ha. I love this song, though, and I kind of like the entire thing, anyway. :) ..And yes, I've posted some of this before, BUT this time, I've added music, and I am quite proud of myself for that little feat.

Three Things:

2011-02-17T18:05:00.000-08:00

1) Departures, on Halogen
2) Middle Class Rut, "New Low."
3) Talk - Action = Shit

Starburst Commercial

2011-02-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

I saw this yesterday and just busted. Ha! You have to watch it full frame. "You are boring me to death and I am already dead. ..You are boring me back to death."

Haha!

2011-02-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

Hah, this video is so awkward at the end

So, one thing I have been thinking about lately is that receiving love is just as important as giving love. I'm not sure why I grapple so much with that concept, but honestly, accepting a compliment or believing something that someone says to me feels kind of nice. If you know anything about me, then you've probably been annoyed at me at one time or another because of something pertaining to the aforementioned.

Anyway, last Sunday I rode the C train home and I met this homeless guy named Raymond. Seventy-three years young, he is. He saw the Don Miller book I was reading and began conversing with me about jazz music. Well, I know nothing about jazz, so it was mostly him just telling me about how the jazz clubs that people go to nowadays in NYC aren't "real" jazz clubs. Real jazz clubs he said started in Harlem, and people had to look slick to get in. You showed off the money and women you had when you went to places like that, he told me.

I had mentioned to him that I'd been to a club called Smalls in the west village and he scornfully mocked me, ha. He told me that the original Smalls was on Lexington and 134th or something. I may be not be remembering correctly, but we talked about that for a while and can I be honest with you? I enjoyed every single second of it. All twenty-three minutes.

There are so many ways I've been wanting to connect, spiritually, lately, and sitting on that train, talking to a stranger, and laughing with him, both of us coming from wholly different backgrounds, and with generations between us, we enjoyed each other's company in those minutes. Nothing else mattered. He told me in the end that he liked me, and I shook his hand before I left the train. He got off one stop after mine, and told me beforehand that he would cross the platform and "head on back uptown."

In those moments of connecting, I realized what it is that I am missing. You can't find God alone. You can't do it all by yourself. If you want to meet God, if you want to be changed, if you are lonely, if you want to grow as a person, you have to do it with other people. You have to engage with them on a real level and you have to care about them. Even if you can only do so in the few minutes you have together. God breathes through people and teaches us things through one another and I have felt so cut off lately, Raymond was a blessing to me. I didn't expect that. It just felt really nice to connect on this basic, common level of humanity, all politics .. all everything else set aside.

..He also told me a ton of dirty old-man jokes, so I now have an arsenal up my sleeve. Watch out.

2011-01-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to me. On this day I was born 28 years ago. That's kind of insane. No one in NYC knows today is my birthday. I purposely didn't tell anyone. I don't like it so much when people make a big deal about my birthday. I love when people remember; it makes me feel very special, but it's like I almost want someone to sort of dig for that information and recall it, again, months later or something. I'm not really sure my deal with it is.

My parents did not call me. I'm not reeeallly surprised, but it still hurt my feelings; I won't lie about that. I love them very dearly. I'm sure they thought I was busy or something.

I guess this sounds sort of complain-y, and I guess it kind of is. It's been a little depressing today, to be honest, and not because I turned another year older. In fact, I like getting older. I really would not go back to a year when I was younger. ..It's because ..and this is very stupid but.. I hung out with a friend today, and I know we are just friends, but I kiiind of liked him, still, and well, he likes someone else. Someone very pretty, and very talented, and very nice. She seems like a really great person, actually.

That's all very good for him. When he told me (very early into us meeting up about a previous date of his), all of my fervor and excitement for hanging literally deflated in a split second and it makes me feel awful being sort of immature and spoiled about the whole thing. The restaurant we were going to is in NJ and it was crowded when we got there and, in line with my spoiled, immature nature, I told him we should just go back to the city, because there was a long wait to get into the restaurant. I said those things because I was disappointed, but I couldn't voice this aloud and I think he probably wondered why he'd agreed to come along with me in the first place, if I immediately wanted to turn around, and go back.

The whole realization about the immature and spoiled nature of mine is something I need to work on; I'm not a child, anymore. I tried to have a better attitude about it, realizing that a friend of mine who is happy, is someone I should be happy for, and encourage him, down that path. I suppose I need to find someone who is willing to put up with these things from me, being understanding while I work my own kinks out.

On a redeeming note, he did stick it through and get french toast with me after all, and I think we had a good moment of friendship, which was quite wonderful, really, that maybe wouldn't have happened had we decided to stay in Jersey for breakfast. So, maybe it was an okay thing in the end.

Anyway, that has been my day. I ate a quick dinner and am back working on a few things for tomorrow. I would loooove to have gone out for dinner. Somewhere awesome, somewhere with a lively, fun atmosphere, somewhere with burgers, or tacos, or a daiquiri or maybe something completely different from all that. I don't know. Maybe if would have been nice if someone had just chosen a place and surprised me. I would have been open to anything .. except maybe sushi.

..

2011-01-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

This blog used to be about design and faith and lots of good things all intertwined into one, I think. Then I sort of got more self-conscious with I wrote about because I ascended into the corporate world and suddenly found myself online, capable of being searched and looked up anywhere on the internets, and I sort of became sheepish about writing things pertaining to faith on here.

I think right now I don't so much care about all that. I want to get back to what I created this blog for. That is, showcasing awesome design and exchanging thoughts .. well, with only myself, I suppose about faith-topics. I dooo have an actual design blog, so I'm pretty sure that will be the number one stop if you're interested in seeing what I have been looking up online recently. This blog will just be a bit more personal –the way I always wanted it, one of the reasons I created it.

The thoughts on my heart right now. Apologizing to God for a multitude of things, and actually, apologizing in fear that I will do them again. I know I probably will. I apologized for loopholes I made for myself, and cheap grace. I apologized for being two-faced. I don't consider myself a two-faced person but what are these words that escape my tongue, continually tumble, cascading in swift currents, out of my mouth? I am not proud of myself. I'm re-reading Blue Like Jazz and have been thinking quite a bit about the person I am, the person I have been, the person I want to become, the person I struggle against.

God help me to have deep-seated belief again.
God convict me.
God give me appreciation and intentionality.
And much more.

Amen.

Moore Music.

2011-01-16T19:15:00.000-08:00

I suppose this may be only be for me at this point, but when I like I song I don't want to forget about it, so I end up posting it on here. If you use the search bar to the right, you can search for "music" or "video" and see what else I've posted. Yay for music!

Featured:
Thom Yorke's Hearing Damage, by tonaki20
Passion Pit's To Kingdom Come
Florence + The Machne's Dog Days Are Over

Music.

2011-01-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

Music for you if you've never heard these bands before.
1. The Postal Service, The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, courtesy of subpoprecords
2. Fleet Fox, Blue Ridge Mountains, courtesy of neutrinoo
3. Mat Kearney, Closer to Love, courtesy of kfog

Super Bowl aka Big Game Bash, Food Network

2011-01-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

I finished the design! Here it is. :) Click here to go directly to the package.

Home.

2011-01-06T17:58:00.000-08:00

Cutest thing I've seen in quite a while. Love it. Made me tear up. :)

This video was posted by realitychangers on YouTube. After you've listened to this, listen to the original by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros.

Undercity.

2011-01-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

Really neat! Undercity, by Andrew Wonder explores NYC's abandoned subway station, City Hall, and other tunnels far below the surface of bustling streets in Manhattan. This video also showcases bridge-walking, on the Williamsburg Bridge in Brooklyn. Love it!

Music.

2010-12-30T18:15:00.000-08:00

Brook Fraser's, Something In The Water.

From Up Above.

2010-12-29T20:11:00.000-08:00

View from above the clouds, today, on the way back to NYC. I don't remember which state I took these over, but it was just gorgeous. I wish I had an actual camera; as you can tell, these aren't the greatest. Later, upon arriving back in New York, it was nighttime, and I got the see Manhattan from above as well. It was quite a sight. It takes 35 mins to get from Baltimore to NYC and I got to view Empire State Building, and Chrysler from this great spot in the sky, on a bird. It was unbelievable. Just amazing.

Home!

2010-12-24T01:59:00.000-08:00

I'm here. :) Check it. The top three were taken by my friend, Leah.

Cheaters & Losers

2010-12-11T12:32:00.000-08:00

final:

New design I'm working on for an editorial package entitled, "Cheaters & Losers" for Food2.com. It isn't done; obviously the typography needs to be fixed, but yup. New stuff! Content will feature recipes that are low-calorie.

postscript: that top part is supposed to be mustard, but looks like throw-up. I freely admit this, and while I thought it was funny, editorial did not. Or, maybe they did, but I ended up changing this. Hah. Gosh, I need to start posting final designs on here. The Superbowl one I have a few posts below this was also not the final I came up with and I should update that, too.

post-postscript: the final design i went with i've posted there at the bottom. i can't say i'm supremely happy with this, but i was happy with the stain i created on the sock (which, i guess is in the earlier version, too) and the addition of the fast food article of food. i think maybe the background should be darkened and i'm not sure about the stroke on the ampersand. but definitely better than my first version, ha. AWW shucks! i just realized that i didn't include the stain on the scale in the second version, like it is in the first. :/

A Depressed Whale

2010-12-10T21:39:00.000-08:00

This is kiiiind of amazing.

Superbowl .. Oooor Not.

2010-11-28T10:08:00.000-08:00

This has been a fabulous (essentially) 5-day weekend, but the only problem being a contractor is that when the company you work for gives you holidays and half-days off .. well, you lose money, ha. Soooo, today I am working from home, trying to make up some hours for this wonderful T-Day weekend. I'm trying to come up with design ideas for the landing page for Superbowl this year (except we aren't allowed to call it "Superbowl" so it will be called "Big Game Bash" or something of the like. I was given these key words to work from: americana, rugged, leathery, manly. ..It's coming along.. kiiiiind of.

*Addendum: Finalized layout on the bottom. Click here to go directly to that package. :)*

Arcade Fire on French Paper

2010-11-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

I posted these prints on my design blog, but in case you haven't seen them, check it. Arcade Fire on Construction Whitewash (a French Paper product) paper grade. Design by Burlesque Design.

Happy (Late) Thanksgiving!

2010-11-26T15:38:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was great this year! Hung out with my roommate and we to his friends' apartment and had dinner. I made chocolate chip pumpkin bread (should that be hyphenated?) with the most perfect Martha Stewart recipe for cream cheese frosting, and I also made this cornbread pudding side dish, and it wasn't too bad. There WAS a little bit of incredible drama right after dinner, but I think all ended well, or as well as it could, and we emerged, unscathed. (Up top: pumpkin bread!)

This weekend I really need to buy some pink thermals to wear underneath my clothes because it's starting to get cold here, in NYC. I also need to buy an external hard drive, and some boots. What I'm working on this week is trying to be good with the resources God has given me, and not frivolous(ly?) spending. I don't think that I'm frivolous with my money, because I know what it's like to be on a strictly (..extremely) limited budget, and where to prioritize, but when I do have the means to give back, I'm trying to learn that this isn't mine, anyway, and when you're given more, you need to share more with others. I'm also trying not to hoard my money, because ultimately, that is not what saves me.

Anyway, the cause (gosh there are so many in addition) that I'm thinking of contributing and being an advocate for is clean water. Here are some links. Look into them.

Blood: Water Mission
Pure Water Aid (purified water straw!)
Vanguard: World's Toilet Crisis (really interesting)

Send It Sistah!

2010-11-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

Came across this amazing video today. It’s just so inspirational and completely beautiful, both in terms of location and cinematography (and human spirit!). The women in the video are participating in an activity called “Highlining” and this particular video was shot at the Ritson Gap in Annecy, France.

Send It Sistah! by Sébastien Montaz-Rosset via StumbleUpon

Work

2010-11-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

design:realated banners on the homepage! Yay! You can click here and scroll to the bottom of the page to see how I'm named a contributing designer. :)

Random.

2010-11-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be super miscellaneous tonight and post randoms. Tomorrow I'll post some of the new stuff I designed for design:related. :) Top photos are from a flight I took to Florida, subway seats on the 7 train in NYC, Fountain Square (district) in Indianapolis, IN (wonderful example of a grostesque-genre typeface .. and You Are Beautiful. Gosh, I love that.), and Delilah Kitteh. Bottom photos are from a recent hike I took in New Jersey. Really beautiful state park, and actually, this may have been right over the border, entering New York, but we drove through Jersey to get there. Anyway, pretty trails. I feel like the last image is a big flat?

2010-10-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

Thanks to felipee911 for uploading this. I've been listening to this song all the way home on the subway today, from work, and I absolutely love it.

Rid me of the notion that I ever had any rights
Cleanse me of the motives that come in such a clever disguise
Ruin my agenda, holy as it never was

It's all from Your hand
and there's nothing that's mine
and all that You give
You're free to take away

I'm just trying to hold on, clinging to the dream inside
I was only selfish, and you were only part of my life

It's all from Your hand
and there's nothing that's mine
and all that You give
You're free to take away

Every breath, every word
There isn't one thing I deserve
And all that I am is Yours

Spooooky!

2010-10-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

Just in time for Halloween (which I will be in Kentucky for! Hooray!)! You know you love the glowing effect on this type treatment I made. :) Peep it here, on Food2's blog.

2010-10-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

I don't always look this bad, but I've been sick lately. :(

2010-10-06T18:56:00.000-07:00

When did this become a music blog? ;) I fainted for this band .. literally. You can ask. She and Him. Thanks to LogainUlver for posting this awesome video.

2010-10-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Starbucks, for uploading this video as a great visual for Band of Horses' song, On My Way Back Home.

Mmm. Peaches.

2010-09-25T17:04:00.000-07:00

This looks absolutely amazing. Via Cooking Channel.

Home.

2010-09-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

I'm from the northern Sacramento valley, and when you are leaving the valley, going east, you can take Hwy 70 and drive to Reno or Lake Tahoe and this is what you see on the way. Forest! This is maybe 30 or 40 mins outside of Chico. Miss.

Ryan Adams | Wonderwall

2010-08-21T18:35:00.000-07:00

My friend Steven sent me this link. I know who Ryan Adams is, but I hadn't ever listened to any of his music. His rendition of Oasis' "Wonderwall" is absolutely intoxicating, in this really beautiful yet haunting way. I love it.

Iron and Wine | Flightless Bird, American Mouth

2010-07-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

A friend turned me on to Iron and Wine, recently. This is such a beautiful song. My taste in music is definitely changing. I'm not giving away a lot of information here, but this correlates so much with my life, lately and it's neat for me to realize, because I also see how, in addition to musical interests, I am changing as a woman, and as a human being. I love growing up and evolving, gradually, in all facets of life. xoxo.

Hair. Today.

2010-07-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

Yay, my hair is finally coming to the point where it's long enough to do fun things with. I'm perfecting a flat-iron curl on my hair, as may be difficult to notice, but it is still pictured, here. My hair looked better this morning, fresh. I took these when I got home. Ha, nothing important to say today, really. Oo I did see Chuck Hughes again though in Chelsea Market on my way into work .. I of course was sweating profusely since it was super hot outside (and intensely windy), but damn he looked good. It's the little perks in life, am I right?

Honest Abe.

2010-07-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

heehee

July 4, 2010

2010-07-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh. So, yesterday was July 4th (happy belated, everyone!) and I was having a grand day: I went to Coney Island to see Joey Chestnut take Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest title home with him again, I had gone to Brooklyn Bridge to take some pictures, had walked to Pier 6 to catch the ferry to Governor's Island to see a free She & Him concert, and had planned on watching the fireworks from 23rd St. & 8th Ave as well ... only the latter two things never came into fruition last night. :(

It was so awful! I was standing in line to get onto the ferry and I had been waiting about 30 mins and was like 10 people from the front of the line. I got really thirsty suddenly and started feeling nauseated. I just kept thinking, "Christi. Wait for the boat. This will pass; this will passssss." Suddenly, and it literally only took 30 seconds, I swear, I got super dizzy, my hearing cut out (it was like someone had cupped their hands over my ears), and I became disoriented. My vision went black and grainy and I thought, "Oh dear Lord. I need to sit down. I don't care if I'm at the front and have to bail. This is bad." This man in front me of me, along with his two older teenage sons, asked me if I was ok. I said no. Then someone was pouring water down my shirt and I was drinking cold water from a bottle that was being held for me. I remember that, specifically, because my water was hot .. so I knew it wasn't mine. Then I was sitting in a chair and stayed there for about an hour. Then I made my way home (thank God I made it home alone). Heat exhaustion and dehydration is something I've not experienced, before. Fainting, passing out and the like is also something that was unexperienced to me prior. It was strange. I'm glad things are back to normal, today. Up top: a couple of pictures I took in Coney Island and in DUMBO before I overheated. ha

2010-07-03T08:46:00.001-07:00

If I am nothing else, I am grateful.

$16 Cocktail Hour.

2010-06-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

I wish my pictures were betttttttttter. Last night I made a pigeon-ly friend while I was waiting for a humanly friend in Manhattan. He was soo cute. aaw. Anyway, so my friend and I went to The View Lounge, which is a bar on the 48th floor of the Marriott Marquis in Times Square. WAAAY too expensive, but the drink was strong (halfway through I was a little more than buzzed, surprisingly), and they had this awesome dessert buffet bar. Soo, you know. Friends are in town once in a while and I will never go back so I suppose that it's okay to splurge now and then. The neat thing though about the bar –the draw– is that it rotates 360º so you can look out and see Times Square down below, and the Chrysler Building and New Jersey all while you enjoy your drink. It's kind of cool. To go once. Only once. ;)

Hunger Strike .. and a Red Hair Strike-Out, hah

2010-06-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

Ohmygosh, ha, I dyed my hair this morning, but instead of the dark brown I normally do, I decided to try something different, so I did this rich auburn brown with red highlights .. wow. It didn't turn out well. I look like a punk-rock chick who dyed her hair with red kool-aid. It's non-permanent so I think I'll just try to wash my hair 28 times in a row and see if that helps rinse some of the color out. I kiiiind of hope that will work, ha.

Anyway, here's an awesome performance I saw online of Pearl Jam featuring Ben Bridwell of Band of Horses singing Hunger Strike. Ok, I knoow I have blogged about BOH recently, but this is such an awesome performance and I think that based upon this single performance, I would marry Ben Bridwell, in like 2 minutes. He seems soo nice and shy.. like a great guy; I love that. I love the really humble hugs, and I think you can tell he admires Pearl Jam, too. I just like everything about this. I don't normally find a lot of facial hair attractive, but really, he's very handsome. :)

Brooklyn Bridge

2010-06-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

Just a picture. I took this and edited it about a week or so ago. Most of the time, at least lately, I've been exploring color-manipulation in my photographs because the camera I'm using is less-than-stellar, and the only way to make these photos look decent is to make them look different. ha. Anyway, it's fun. This one has an older look to it, though it was taken just over a week ago. One of my friends suggested cropping the lower portion out (I really don't know why it hadn't dawned on me) and I have to say: he had the right idea in mind. I call this one, "Brooklyn Bridge: a Modern Throwback."

Band of Horses, Grand Central Terminal

2010-06-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I found out that Band of Horses was in Manhattan, and that they were going to play a secret pop-up show that night at Grand Central Terminal! I didn't know where IN Grand Central they would be playing, but it ended up taking place in Vanderbilt Hall, and that area is actually adjacent to the main concourse. I see it all the time and it's always empty. I wondered what it was for, ha. It was soo awesome and it was FREEEE and somehow I managed to slip into the VIP area, that the security guard actually let me into without a pass (? someone ISN'T very good at his job, is he? hah), which meant I was literally feet from the stage, which was killer! So glad and grateful I found out about it! Here are a few clips from last night. They're short. Enjoy!

Importance.

2010-06-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

It's crazy that we all think about Love so much. Isn't it true? Everyone wants to be in love, and part of that "being in love" is having your love for another be accepted, welcomed, desired. I think the fact that everyone wants to be in love and to love another points to something bigger than us. Love really IS the most important thing, but we shrink it down to standards that we can comprehend and categorize it in ways sometimes that end up being selfish. I realize this is probably somewhat vague and a little bit random. I just came across these two quotes though and I feel like they represent so much of my struggle. Reading these quotes inspire me and make my heart surge with longings for answers.

"One must keep on pointing out that Christianity is a statement which, if false, is of no importance, and, if true, of infinite importance. The one thing it cannot be is moderately important."
–C.S. Lewis

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
–Howard Thurman

Hero.

2010-06-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

Loove this song. I like the Foo's original so much, but I was listening to some Internet radio station on iTunes a couple days ago and this really beautiful version of the song was playing. It turns out it was Paramore. I thoooought maybe it was before I looked, but I was so impressed. She has an amazing, effortless voice.. if that even makes close to a little sense.

South Street Seaport.

2010-06-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

Met up with a friend today and went to South Street Seaport in the FiDi. Awesome time! We volunteered with an Autism awareness and research group and passed out flyers. I had never been to the Seaport before, but I am definitely going back! There are a bunch of stores there, Bodies exhibition, food, drinks, more shopping, Brooklyn Bridge, ships docked, skyscrapers to look at, cobblestone streets to walk on, and old buildings to admire. Today was a win. :) xoxo -christi. Oo, check out facebook, I'm going to post some more pictures there.

HD Oil Spill Footage at 4850'

2010-06-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

HD video of the oil spill at 4850' below the surface. :( Via the US Dept. of Energy's channel on YouTube.

And now, a quote.

2010-06-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

I loove C.S. Lewis:

No man, I suppose, is tempted to every sin. It so happens that the impulse which makes men gamble has been left out of my make-up; and no doubt, I pay for this by lacking some good impulse of which it is the excess or perversion. I therefore did not feel myself qualified to give advice about permissible or impermissible gambling .. I have also said nothing about birth control. I am not a woman, nor a married man, nor am I a priest. I did not think it my place to take a firm line about pains, dangers, and expenses from which I am protected.

–Mere Christianity

Déjà Vu.

2010-06-06T08:45:00.001-07:00

Band of Horses | Compliments

2010-06-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

Awesome new Band of Horses song, via Relevant, called Compliments. I never really listened to Band of Horses before, and then when I heard Is There a Ghost (should the "a" be capped? I don't remember the rule), I just fell. They're so good! And this video is gnarly. Can you say, vertigo?

What Happened on the Deepwater Horizon

2010-06-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

An illustrated PDF of what went wrong on the oil platform, Deepwater Horizon, on April 20, 2010, via Nola.com.

Kiss.

2010-05-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

I am not sure he knew.

Comedown.

2010-05-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

Umm, yes. Please.

Aside from. Gavin Rossdale. Being gorgeous then and now (men get more handsome as they age, no?), what I really like about this song is actually the intro. Amamamamazing guitar work in the front, which is actually not featured in the live version, but y'know.. :)